Heeey there.

It’s another one of those times, one of them that I haven’t had in a while, and one that I can’t force out.  I guess sometimes random interaction/conversation with people can strike this feeling up with me: a little retrospective, very self-aware, and ready to write.

Sometimes I think to myself, where was I? Where would I be? You know, the internet has literally changed, for that matter, shaped my life. Literally! How many people have I first made contact with, or important supplemental contact with online that blossomed into incredible friendships and relationships? How else would I have found Emerson College? Kept up with people I otherwise would have said goodbye forever to?  I’m not one who will ever advocate such an impersonal communication device over real life interaction, but sometimes it’s just not feasible, not possible…I’ve met people, there are people I’d like to meet, that otherwise would have never entered my life. I think, what would it be like? What would it be like if I never had that conversation with you, if I never met you, if I didn’t keep up with you, if I didn’t have the love for the internet and all its workings and designs… 

I don’t know.  I feel like the internet has given me this life that I otherwise simply would never have had. I would have stayed in this small-town style Decatur, Illinois, maybe to visit but never to really experience Boston, New York, Los Angeles, Providence, Europe….the world, people, culture, food, love, life…..

So thankful for my decisions. You know, I heard someone say that in a “”“study”“” that people who followed their dreams and passions were ultimately happier with their lives, generally more satisfied and content, regardless of their success in their actual goals or endeavors.  God, I believe that with all my heart. No matter what I end up doing I am SO glad I decided to go, to do this, to pursue my future, to live my young life to its fullest…it’s so amazing where I am.

Sometimes I break down. Sometimes I panic about my money and my HUGE and exponentially growing debt, and my real life.  But you know, would I be happier if I wouldn’t have gone,  or if I went home and pursued something else with less debt in my life? Absolutely not. Money can’t buy you love, happiness…it’s easier if you have it maybe, maybe. But being truly happy and satisfied with your choices and decisions cannot be eased by the fact that you don’t have debt. At least not in my case.  My ambitions are so much larger, bigger, untameable. Pure and simple. Sometimes I just need to remember that, to realize it.

Sometimes more than not I need to remember things, to realize them. My happiness in other terms, for one. Not settling, for one. Going with my intuition. Being happy. Loving. You know what, I love my cat Tuffy more than anything else ever. And saying goodbye to him after this break is going to be seriously heartbreaking again, for both of us, trust me. I know that might have seemed out of place, but he is love. He is the truest longest love I’ve had. I’ve never been so in tune to an animal before, or one to me. We talk. We understand each other. He keeps me happy, he is there for me if I’m upset…I would do anything for him.

Sometimes I’m not sure if thinking ahead one day, one month, one year or five is most appropriate. Sometimes when I thought I had things real figured out, I realize that I’m not really sure how I should live my life. Not that I’m too worried about setting that in stone, because I guess it’s something that does change. I change, my feelings change, situations change. Despite my love of life theories, it’s true that given the right circumstance I would probably go against everything I believe in. I’ve done it. I’ve become that person I hate sometimes, but you know what, I’m not sure if I hate it. I’m not sure if I would do it differently given a second chance. But when you know that, when you realize it, it says something. That something isn’t right, that something should change.  

So what do we do now?